I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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