the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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