I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
