i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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