My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
