he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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