I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
