i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
