i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
