Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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