Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize