i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
