dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
