im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
