I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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