all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
