I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
