...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
