he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
