Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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