I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
