Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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