you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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