Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
