i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
