WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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