haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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