so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
In America we eat man semen.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
