Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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