dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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