i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
