Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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