It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
