It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
