happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize