It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
