so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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