Jerry, you need to find god
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So much rum. So many feels.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
