I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
