sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
