you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
