I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He better not be in your backpack
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
