ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
