I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
