Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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