Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
