Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
