I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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