k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
