My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize