theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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