woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
