Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
