Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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