I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
