whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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