Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
