I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
how does that bad decision feel?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
