i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
