I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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