I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
