I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize