he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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