Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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