I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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