K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
