Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
