That's intense
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
