I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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