..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
