hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
