Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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