Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
