I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
