Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
