Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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