New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've blown a few things in my day
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
