Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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