How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nutella sex= disaster
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
