theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
