I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
