i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
