your parents love me but you hate me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
