I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
so much tequila, so little girl.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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