If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
